


Golden Mirror, Silver Mirror

by Sugar_and_Salt



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Psychological, Romance, alternative universe, mentions of mental health issues, probably confusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 12:24:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7684408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugar_and_Salt/pseuds/Sugar_and_Salt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongdae is sick, but so is everyone in this place, one way or another. His medication keeps him grounded, and so he isn't too sad about living there. There's something that's really peculiar though, because at night, they all dream the same dream. In this dream, everything's different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Golden Mirror, Silver Mirror

\-  ☀  -

 

Tiny, round, metallic. Enthralling.  
Jongdae knew that the others had long ago stopped paying them any heed but to him, the tiny pills remained mesmerizing. Like tiny marbles made of liquid metal. Every inhabitant had to take one, and most of them were silver. Jongdae's was gold. Like a warm shade of honey glossed over the metal. He wasn't all-too sad about having to swallow it - he'd get another one the next evening.  
You see, Jongdae was sick. Something was wrong in his head, something that made it hard for him to focus, something that messed with his ability to recall or build memories. But that had been before he'd became a part of the institution. The pills might make him sleepy at first, but every little one of them helped keeping the world around him in focus, and thanks to them, Jongdae knew who he was. He knew what he liked, he knew the institute and remembered the people living there.  
  
  


\- ☾ -   
  
  


The institute was a peculiar place with peculiar people. But the most peculiar thing of them all occurred at night, when people sank into the dream world and met again.  
Yes, the moment Jongdae's body shut down, his mind would go on a journey, wander through the institute's hallways, linger around the estate in a dream that was identical every night, and identical to the other people's dreams.  
This night, as well, Jongdae dreamed. He mostly did.  
In his dream, it was always daytime, and the sun shone brightly. He immediately went for the estate's spacious greenery, because that's were most children and young adults would gather. He felt a little dull, but he always did. Jongdae was an inherently positive person, but somehow, these dreams made him feel gloomy. His feet carried him to the garden nonetheless. Maybe this time, someone would manage to cheer him up. They usually didn't.  
Jongdae sank into the vivid grass beneath a tree, taking in his surroundings. Some younger kids were playing hide and seek, while a few boys and girls around his age were chasing each other over the lawn, acting much younger than their age.  
He watched Jongin joke around with a girl named Soojung. She laughed brightly. It was nice to see Jongin like this. Quiet, fidgety Jongin, who physically flinched away during the day whenever Jongdae did so much as look at him. It was nice to see Soojung like this, too. Soojung, the tall, imposing girl who could hiss like a cat.  
At night time, they were all so much happier. It wasn't that the institute was a bad place, but sometimes Jongdae still felt alone, since most of the patients were withdrawn. Quiet, unfriendly, aggressive even, as they each battled a different type of sickness. But at night, their true nature surfaced and it really was a shame that Jongdae felt so gloomy now. He'd love to play with them. But he didn't feel like he was a part of them.  
There was one boy who stood out in particular. That didn't make Jongdae anything special, because everyone could see that. Today, he assisted a little girl in finding her friends, laughing brightly. He was around Jongdae's height, with dusty brown hair, pale skin and fine features. Jongdae adored him, because he was so, so _bright_.  
How could he possibly approach someone so bright?  
This night, as well, Jongdae was content just watching that boy he'd never met during the day before. It was alright, like this. He was a little sad, but it wasn't crushing him. What he didn't expect, however, was for the boy's gaze to not only fleetingly graze him -since this happened from time to time- but to lock on him. It startled him a little, but before Jongdae could shrink away, the boy had all but pranced towards him for the very first time.  
"Are you alright?" he asked, genuine worry written all over his face as he leaned down to regard Jongdae on eye level. He really had something childlike to him, something innocent and pure.  
"Uhm. Y-yes."  
Jongdae didn't manage more than that, but somehow, the boy appeared to pick up on the flimsy lie and sank into the grass next to him, telling the children to continue without him. Jongdae felt bad for taking up his time, when he could be playing instead.  
"You seem a little down, is something bothering you?"  
His voice was a little smokier than his own, pleasant to the ear like his appearance was to the eyes. Jongdae hesitated. He didn't want to bother him any further, didn't dare possibly smirching his happiness. So he just kept quiet with a dim, apologetic smile on his face. After a moment of consideration, the boy offered his hand.  
"I'm Baekhyun."  
"Jongdae." he replied, taking his hand. Instead of letting go, Baekhyun readily intertwined their fingers, leaving them to rest between them.  
"I can feel you're not well." he said quietly, almost conspiratorially, as if baring a secret.  
"Most people here are really happy, and those who aren't will only get unhappier if I get close to them. Do you want me to leave?" he asked, the same, genuine concern in his orbs and Jongdae wondered why he would want to stay with someone as dull as him. He didn't want to question him though. What if he might hurt his feelings or crack his good beliefs?  
So he simply shook his head. Baekhyun smiled and for a long time, they did nothing but sit in the grass, watching the others.  
  
  


\-  ☀  -   
  


Jongdae knew for a fact that what happened at night wasn't just him dreaming. But talking to the others at day time was so, so difficult. He'd tried. He'd tried to approach every single one of them, but they all rejected his advances. Some were cold, others too fearful. Still, there had been an instance where he'd talked to Chanyeol about it. Where most patients seemed to lack emotions, Chanyeol had too many of them. So many that they were battling each other for an outlet and one could never know which emotion would come out on top. One day, when he was actually amicable and friendly, Jongdae had asked him about the dream world they shared. He'd called it ' _the other day_ ', where people showed their true selves, but since he himself was at a constant battle with himself, it didn't cause that much of a difference for him.  
It made Jongdae wonder whether his true nature was gloomy and sad.  
Maybe he only imagined to be happy during the day.  
  
  


\- ☾ -

  
It was indeed Chanyeol's fault, that there was a commotion going on during one of the _other_ days. Normally, people were too peaceful and positive to argue, but very few people got moody, like Jongdae. One of them was Luhan, a friendly boy Jongdae loved to hang out with during the day, whenever he was allowed to leave his room. Luhan was rather fragile and all over too sensitive, but whenever the nurses would allow him to go out and play, he'd seek out Jongdae, disregarding the fact that Luhan didn't speak a language he could understand.  
Gentle, smiling Luhan would always turn into unapproachable and moody Luhan at night, though. And currently, the frowning blonde was up against the much taller Chanyeol. They'd passed the state of glaring at each other and were rolling around the floor, each trying to hurt the other, and though Luhan looked surprisingly strong all of a sudden, Jongdae was still worried for both of them. But he didn't feel like interfering. He probably should, but he had no right to stop their fight, did he?  
The decision was taken from him when Baekhyun rushed to the scenery, parting the two with a mix of stern and worried exclamations. He asked Chanyeol to understand Luhan's isolation and loneliness, forced upon him by not speaking their language. Maybe Luhan hadn't meant to offend him, maybe it was a misunderstanding.  
Chanyeol was moody, but his moods were fickle, and Baekhyun's words soothed his anger. After that, Baekhyun proceeded to embrace Luhan, calming him by signs of non-verbal affection. Jongdae was slightly jealous.  
Later, Baekhyun returned to him though. He'd sit down next to him, hold his hand again, and Jongdae wondered whether he only did so to calm him down as well. When he asked, Baekhyun hummed thoughtfully, delicate fingers tightening around his.  
"I just hate it when people fight." he'd said and while this was such a nice trait, the way his fingers clenched around Jongdae's felt so painful, that it sprinkled a Layer of salt over the sweet statement. Jongdae didn't understand and nuzzled his head into the crook of the other's neck.  
  
  


\- ☾ -   
  
  


It continued on like that. Baekhyun was no longer the distant, brightly lit moon in a sea of stars. He'd chosen to step down, become a star as well; and though blindingly brilliant, he still chose to spend his time with dull, dull Jongdae. It was really frustrating and Jongdae wished he could shine at least a little brighter, in order to avoid absorbing Baekhyun's happiness. He used to be better than this, but during the  _other_ days, it was so hard to muster the energy.  
Baekhyun had enough energy for both of them though, and he didn't seem to mind that Jongdae was so very curious about him. Whenever he found the bravery to ask questions, trying to prod at the mystery that was Baekhyun, the brunet would relent with a smile.  
"Why are you putting so much effort into making everyone happy?" he'd dared to ask one of the  _other_ days, both of them splayed across the grass and looking up at the sky. It was bright, maybe a bit  _too_ bright. By now, Jongdae only ever experienced a night sky during the dark seasons of the year.  
Baekhyun hummed, lazily playing with his fingers and really, did Jongdae deserve his attention?  
"Don't you like it when people are proud of you?" he finally asked, flashing him an easy smile, cheek mashed into a fuzzy carpet of green.  
Jongdae nodded hesitantly. No one disliked this, right?  
"See? If you make people happy, they in turn make you happy, without intending to. It's just... nice."  
Jongdae agreed, tongue too heavy to voice an actual response.  
He wondered whether he'd ever dare asking him  _why_ he chose to be with Jongdae, of all persons.   
  
  


\-  ☀  -   
  
  


Jongdae knew who he was.  
He knew what he liked and what he didn't, and he knew the other patients by heart. He knew flighty Chanyeol, fragile Luhan and frightening Kyungsoo, who turned into a soft and gentle person at night.  
But he'd never, ever met Baekhyun during the day.  
Maybe he wasn't allowed to leave his room, like Luhan.  
Maybe he was caught in eternal sleep, like Sehun.  
Jongdae started to ask around but it was hard, given that no one wanted to talk to him, and the nurses stated that they couldn't give him this information. They were friendly, and whenever Jongdae was particularly bored, they'd play with him. But those information were classified ones, sadly.  
He asked all the fellow patients who were amicable during the day, all those whose sickness affected the body rather than mind. All those who took a golden pill every morning, just like him.  
No one had ever seen him before.  
  
  


\- ☾ -   
  
  


"Don't you ever wonder why things are like this?"  
Baekhyun ceased humming, and the song gently dwindled into nothingness.  
"Like what?" he asked and it was a rare type of question. A rare moment where Jongdae had to clarify. Usually, Baekhyun would just _understand_ whatever he was trying to convey.  
"Why is everyone so different in this dream? Do you think it's our true nature?" Jongdae elaborated, worries placated by the way Baekhyun's fingers sought his hair, gently caressing the strands of auburn. Jongdae watched him from where he was resting his head in the others lap, and the brunet caught up on it, lowering his gaze to meet Jongdae's as he nonchalantly shook his head.  
"Not at all. I don't really worry about details like this."  
"Why?"  
At this, Baekhyun giggled childishly, flopping an unruly strand into Jongdae's face to tickled him.  
"Why are you worrying so much? It doesn't hurt anyone, right? You gotta relax a bit. Relaxation can take away your fear."  
It sounded like something Baekhyun had recited a lot already, and though Jongdae was too tired and his head too fuzzy to further delve into the topic, Baekhyun's words trickled into his mind, building a silent foundation for the resolve he could only feel when awake.  
  
  


\-  ☀  -   
  
  


He really, _really_ had to find Baekhyun during the day.  
He wanted to talk to him in earnest, and to hold his hand, without the slightly dazed quality of the _other_ day dulling the sensation.  
The following days, he had nothing on his mind but the urge to find Baekhyun. He asked everyone, no matter how scary, bugged all the nurses and searched every nook and cranny of the estate. The dining and the common rooms, the gardens, the hallways. He even sneaked away to check all the name plates in every wing and that's when he found Baekhyun's name at the last door of a long, lone hallway. Since it was the floor where Chanyeol lived, Jongdae figured there were no hospital beds and machines, so Baekhyun wasn't like Sehun or Luhan.  
Unlike others, Baekhyun didn't share a room and there was no light coming from inside. Maybe the curtains were drawn close.   
Jongdae knocked, but no one replied.   
He tried the door handle, but it was locked.  
He knocked again. And again.  
He knocked until one of the nurses caught him and shooed him away, and even then Jongdae couldn't stop craning back his head to stare at the simple, closed door.  
  
  


\- ☾ -   
  
  


"Can't we... meet?" Jongdae asked, fingers shyly bunched up in the fabric of Baekhyun's oversized, woolen pullover.  
"But you meet me every night?" Baekhyun playfully retorted, poking his cheek with a wide grin. He was even happier today, warmth and energy radiating off him. It was a little intimidating.  
"Don't you want to meet me in real life?" Jongdae asked tentatively, gaze lowered to his hands. He probably just wasn't worth his time. He knew he'd disregard the worries during the day, eagerly searching Baekhyun out after all, and it made him feel ashamed.  
"Do I have to figure it out first?" Jongdae asked helplessly.  
"Because I... I can't, it's so hard. Can't you give me a hint? Please?"  
He didn't know why he was so certain he had to understand the connection between his awake and asleep self in order to meet Baekhyun. It was just a feeling that haunted him during the day, and though Jongdae's senses were frazzled during the _other_ day, this thought had somehow managed to stick, probably driven by his urgency to meet the other.  
Baekhyun looked actually thoughtful. He usually avoided talking about this, but he was also so keen on making Jongdae happy, Jongdae could see it on his face - even if it took him long to interpret it. There was no one in hearing range, like usual. Everyone loved Baekhyun, but if he requested them to leave him be, they respected that.  
Baekhyun hesitated and Jongdae grew wary and tired. He hated this feeling, and by leaning their foreheads together, he tried to keep his focus. Maybe he was feeding off of Baekhyun's energy now, but... just for awhile. Just one more moment. Whatever the touch stirred in Baekhyun, it made him sigh and place both hands on Jongdae's shoulders. The sound was unusually peaceful, a little less energetic and yes, maybe they were influencing each other. Balancing each other out.  
"How do you feel about the institute, Jongdae?" he asked quietly and Jongdae could feel his breath lightly fanning over his face.  
Jongdae thought about it. Slowly, but surely, he came to his conclusion.  
"I feel safe." he finally mumbled and Baekhyun hummed, fingers leisurely kneading Jongdae's shoulders.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah."  
"I feel trapped."  
The way he said it sounded so peaceful, so unlike the meaning behind his words, so unlike anything he'd ever said, that Jongdae had a hard time processing this.  
Trapped. He felt safe, Baekhyun felt trapped.  
Being safe or being trapped. It was... kind of the same, in a way.  
A bird in a cage was safe. And trapped. Everything that kept you safe, cut down on your freedom in the process.  
And Jongdae got it. At last, he finally understood it.  
He drew away, just enough to stare at Baekhyun with wide eyes. Before he could even begin to say anything, Baekhyun had leaned in to peck his cheek, lips grazing his ears to whisper into it, and the conspiratorial tone was back.  
"I'll leave it open for you."  
With this, Baekhyun turned on his heels and just ran. Jongdae followed him, called after him under the looks of mildly phased people around them, but Baekhyun was far more fit than him and disappeared into the building. The moment Jongdae stepped into the shadowy hallway, Baekhyun was gone. He must have woken up in real life. This wasn't good. Fear curled deep in his stomach, fear for Baekhyun.  
He had to wake up, too. _Right now_.  
He only knew of one way to step back into real life, and with determination, he took the stairs, ignoring his heavy limbs. There was one way, and he had only ever seen it once. It had been an accident. Chanyeol had been teetering towards the edge when Sehun stumbled, sending him to fall five stories.  
He was scared, but that didn't stop Jongdae from walking towards the egde of the roof.  
He jumped. The pain was unbearable, people around him screamed and...  
  
  


\-  ☀  -   
  
  


...he woke up with a start. His roommate was still fast asleep. With wobbly legs, Jongdae climbed down the ladder of his loft bed and slipped into a pair of socks, before leaving the room as quiet as he could. There were surely nurses patrolling, but Jongdae didn't care, skidding along the deserted hallways as fast as possible, pulse racing in his ears. He had to find Baekhyun, quickly.  
Because he got it now.  
The dream world they were sharing didn't display their true nature. It wasn't a mirror, because a mirror simply threw back what was directed at it.  
The _other_ day was like two mirrors instead.  
Two angled mirrors. Because if you used two mirrors, you were allowed to see the backside of an object.  
Throughout the day, Jongdae would accept himself the way he was, might even be proud of himself once in awhile. But if you thought of yourself as different, you weren't the same as others. If you were unlike others, you were isolated.  
It was like flipping a coin from one side to the other, two different approaches towards the same thing. During the day, Jongdae's positive side dominated. Most of the others on the other hand, suffered from poisoned minds. Flipping their attitude around was what made them appear so happy and carefree at night. Soft and patient Luhan who would hang in because he couldn't communicate, but appreciated Jongdae's presence, turned to moody and slightly bitter Luhan... because he couldn't communicate and was unable to convey his feelings.  
And Baekhyun... Baekhyun was the brightest of them all.  
  
Jongdae skidded to a halt in front of the last door on Chanyeol's floor, and didn't even bother knocking. The door was open, just like Baekhyun had said.  
The brunet still seemed taken aback at the sight of Jongdae panting in his doorway. He didn't look particularly welcoming, gaze insecure and dark from his position on the edge of his bed, nimble fingers wrapped around a sling, pale face dipped in moonlight. Like a cornered animal ready to lash out, to sink its teeth into Jongdae's throat.  
Still, he _had_ let his door open, so however tiny the hope of being found might have been, Jongdae would not ignore it. Before Baekhyun had time to snarl at him, Jongdae had tackled him down, sent them down in a tangle of limbs on the floor. With a quiet grunt, Baekhyun flailed in Jongdae's strong grip, but he was weak. So, so weak. Thin wrists with sharp nails scratching across Jongdae's back, his body so scrawny Jongdae feared he might crush him by accident.  
"It's not so bad, getting infected by other people's moods." he whispered and the tiny body halted in its desperate attempts to get away, if only for a second.  
"And it's alright, trying to prevent confrontations." Jongdae continued stubbornly, refusing to back out of the hug, clinging like a koala. This time, a tiny whimper of protest resounded, but Jongdae knew now. He just knew.  
  
Baekhyun had told him that he was able to pick up on other's moods easily.  
That meant he was easily affected by them, too.  
  
Baekhyun hated fights and tried to prevent them.  
He was terrified of confrontation.  
  
He liked to have people praise him.  
Trying to live up to their expectations was crushing him.  
  
A mop of tousled hair flitted in and out of his vision, leaving Jongdae to look at the meticulously knotted sling dangling from the ceiling.  
He was completely relaxed.  
 _Just another way of saying he just didn't care anymore._  
"It's alright not to let everything touch you. It keeps you healthy."  
Baekhyun shone the brightest and threw the longest, darkest shadows.  
The breathy grunts of exertion ebbed down as the fragile body beneath him grew tired. Jongdae rolled over until they were lying on their sides and he felt the hands on his back going from scratching to burying themselves the fabric of his pajama. A tight, almost brutal grip, desperately attempting to push them together even closer.  
"Then you touch me instead." a raw voice whispered, and for once it was Jongdae providing shelter and security.  
He nuzzled his nose into the other's hair, leaving a fleeting kiss on the slightly coarse strands.  
"Alright."  
  


 

\- ✧ -

 

That night, Jongdae convinced the nurses to leave them be, and surprisingly, they did. Instead of lying on the bed or even the floor, the two headed out to the gardens, hand in hand. Splayed out in the damp grass, they held on to each other, finally drifting off to the sight of stars.  
Only to dream of blinding sunlight.  
  
Jongdae looked over at Baekhyun, who seemed to have lost a bit of the glow usually surrounding him. He was smiling, though it was less vibrant than before.  
"Sorry. I'm a little tired." he murmured apologetically, burying his face in Jongdae's side. He let him.  
Because that was what the night was for - recovery.  
Maybe everyone was at a constant battle with themselves, just like Chanyeol, Jongdae thought.  
And maybe he and Baekhyun could outbalance each other until one day, they could peacefully doze of during the _other_ days, as well.  
Until then, Baekhyun would gently smooth out Jongdae's doubts at night, while Jongdae returned the favor during the day.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...if this was confusing, I apologize. I had a bad day and needed an outlet.   
>  It was tagged mature seeing as there actually was a suicide attempt, all allusions aside.  
> If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask, anonymously or not - I'll be delighted to help you out ♥
> 
> Love,  
> Sugar_and_Salt ♥


End file.
